Bless that one person in every group that is like “keep going, I’m listening” and encourages you to finish your story even when everyone else is talking over you.
This is how I shut people out so successfully. Maybe this is why I have one friend. I hate myself and I take it out on everyone else and I don’t know how to shake a bad mood once I’m in it and I don’t know how to apologize for making people feel like I’m mad at them. I think maybe I’m just not a very nice person like I always thought I was. I’m pretty sure I’m fuckin’ Brian. Ain’t nobody wanna party with Brian. Why? Cause Brian fucking sucks the fun out of everything. I am Brian.
I try so hard to be okay with myself and not be so emotionally confused all the time but it works for a day if I’m lucky and then I’m back to thinking I’m fat and I’m stupid and I’m ugly and I’m not funny and I’m not generous or creative or kind. Or anything a good person should be. And I cry when I’m alone and I act like a bitch when other people are around. I’m gonna lose everyone one day and I won’t have anyone to blame but myself. I don’t know how I put in eight years of therapy with seemingly endless different ways to help me love myself and still have nothing to show for it. Like yeah I don’t have an eating disorder anymore and yeah I don’t cut myself anymore but I still hurt myself every single day. Just in ways that don’t leave marks.
Anyways, if you’re reading this, and you think I’m a bitch, I’m sorry, cause this time it really is me and not you. I don’t know how to change, so I’m just sorry. I’m sorry again and again.